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My Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
My Spiritual
Diary Winter 2007
"To be present, simply be, greeting each day as a new dawn of my
ever expanding consciousness"
Me ~ It is not
what I do, its who I am .. it is who everything is !
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My Spiritual Journal
A Spiritual Diary of my Journey
Winter
2007
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| A
Chilly November Day in England |
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I feel
like choosing my least favourite colour- orange
- to decorate some of this spiritual diary... somehow right now it feels
like trying things that I would normally stay clear off.
I usually hide. I hide behind what I know but I do not let people see
what I dont know.
I dont know a lot of things. I feel a lot of things without knowing what
I feel. Without needing to know what I feel and sometimes achingly needing
to know why I feel what I dont know
Ahh and become increasingly cryptic in my journal writing trying to use
words for something that simply escapes the confinements of the alphabet....
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| 14th
November 2007 My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007 |
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My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
Today I read Karen Bishops latest energy alert on Whats up on planet earth
and it really brought it home to me how at times her writings are such
a lifeline for me.
To read her experiences that accompany the various vibrational shifts
on this planet is to recognise myself within the same pattern flow . To
know that there are others out there that are feeling disorientated, at
times plainly off this planet and intuitively sensing the various energetic
shifts accompanied by various physical expressions whilst trying not to
label oneself "insane"
Yesterday :
I cannot walk in the supermarket for more that 20 minutes as the energies
are simply too much to bare, my face goes pale, my lips turn slightly
blue and I am beginning to feel shivery. My husband takes one look at
me and I know it's time to get out of here...
I feel incapable of even doing the basic task of getting food for the
family, feel totally overwhelmed by choices and cannot bear looking at
all these people passing me row after row.. with frightening predictability
I turn - and there is the same lady pushing the trolley in the same irritating
way...
I need to get out of here... NOW
Today:
I sit in the kitchen with no bread and wonder whether I can face a trip
to buy some more ...wondering why it is so hard.. wondering if only I
cannot even do that simple task... then I read Karen's new alert ... and
a big sigh of relief escapes between my lips.. Karen cannot do the supermarket
(Walmart) either, she resorts to her inner knowing - and freshly homemade
baked bread is on the agenda...
But she has taken the time to write it down, and there was me sitting
here in England reading about a lady in America who cant stand vibrational
energies in supermarkets either... and it made me feel hugely connected,
brought me back to my center, made me feel less alone... Gave me a little
nod in my direction - so thank you Karen Bishop for staying in the center
of your beingness.
Now:
I feel that maybe I have something to say too .. something that would
be a lifeline for another person out there too...so I shall begin to share
what I feel....
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My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
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It has struck me that I do not really know what it is that I do, I do
no have name for my beingness.
So the question arises again for me :
Who am I ?
Who is this me that thinks it has something to say?
Well I guess I dont even think I have something to say I just know
what I feel when I do say something in the presence of another .. I feel
like what is being said comes right through me in the manner that is most
beneficial for the person with me. That is without me actually knowing
what I am about to say, nor intending to say anything for any purpose.
***
I am not a healer for I do not believe that
anything needs to be healed - yet often I heal people when they are in
my presence.
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I am not a teacher for I believe we are all
teachers at all times simply walking our path ~ yet often I teach people
when they are in my presence
*** I am not a counsellor for for I do not believe
there is an answer that can be found outside of yourself ~ yet I do find
myself counselling people when they are in my presence
So who am I ...
I am an intuitive , I am a presence , I am a facilitator, I am a mediator
between different stages of awareness.
I offer my own experience as inspiration for those who wish to be inspired.
I can live with those "labels" for now...
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My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
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| 15th
November 2007 My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007 |
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I must ~ I should ~ I ought to ~ I need to ...
I am amazed how many times these words find their way into daily conversations
without consciously looking at their origin.
I must wash my armpits in the morning... I walk into the bathroom and
almost automatically start my morning washing routine. I am intriqued
to notice, as if for the first time , how I actually do it, how the toothbrush
feels in my hand , how I follow a certain sequence and I wonder for what
reason it has established itself. Who was the first person to tell me
that "I need to wash my armpits " in the morning .. it was most likely
my mother .
And who told her that one needs to wash ones armpits... and how can one
follow that back ... I dont think in the 1800 did they have some such
concerns.. I believe a little talcum powder was all that was deemed appropriate.
I am trying to step out of myown routine consciously ~ and invite original
action into its place ... I consciously choose to be aware of using my
left hand to open a door instead of my usual right. I consciously choose
to step into my knickers with the opposite foot then what I would usually
do. I take a right turn where I previously always turned left... and the
world suddenly seems a little bit more intense, a little brighter a little
bit more colourful ... it bites me to say " hey I am alive.
I am intriqued to
observe how I eat too... I love eating different kinds of foods from my
plate, prepare them in a certain manner -- like a little potato, add a
carrot and and dip in into sauce before taking it into the mouth... then
taste BUT now I watch what happens... my conscious awareness wanders from
the bite just savoured for merely a second ..to pay attention to the preparation
of the next spoonful.... But I am still eating the first one, only now
with much less attention, much less conscious tasting of what I am actually
trying to savour...
~~ For me this is
greed, this is ego setting in and already runnung away from the HERE AND
NOW ..to the next moment in time,
I have often heard that one has to eat slowly to digest properly etc...
but it has not occurred to me until now that to eat slowly is actually
the real food blessing ~ to pay attention to what nurtures me and in what
way.. how it tastes, what textures it offeres me and how it lingers on
my tastebuds....
But rushing times, things to do places to go take one away from the simple
awareness of being aware what is in ones mouth...
So I try it... only to catch myself lots and lots of times to get carried
away in a conversation, my attention wondering off and my mouthfuls dissappearing
in a world of their own...
~~ I am really enjoying watching my own limitations... watching myself
develop awareness and loosing it over and over again..
With one simple difference
-- I am now aware that I am actually loosing awareness and can bring myself
back to center.. It feels like a little bit of a dance .. Two steps forward
one steps back -- twist and turn ...
Dancing with Ms Awareness .. giggle
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| 22th
November 2007 My Spiritual Diary Winter
2007
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Pondering again I
am who I am , but the question itself is already an answer.
~I find myself reading
books and articles and resonating so strongly with them, within minutes
of recognition falling into a sense of despair that I am not there, I
am not part of the authors environment.
~ Then I find myself living that "New perceived Me" in a set of circumstances
closed to that the author of a book or article describes. I imagine "NEWME"
fitting in beautifully like she found her vocation, almost tasting the
sensory experiences on offer, seeing myself being a respected contributor
and creative force that helps shape the environment...
~ Then I get bored
with the vision, it can be so itense at times as if I have already lived
it. When I dig deeper into the imaginary experience I begin to see its
flaws that are being projected by my needy desires...
~ I am bored with myself, bored with my inability to just be a fixed someone
with an identity that is nameable
~ Having discovered last year that I am a strong contender for the label
of "Woman with ADD" I am grateful for being able to channel some of that
unpredictable boredom that rushes through my vains... I am never long
enough interested in something to actually be able to do something about
it, not that I would not want to but nothing holds my attention long enough
....
~ I am beginning to realize that I am in a constant state of flux, change
movement .. like a vessel containing those energies that surround me ,
that arrive at my door only to channel them through me and release them
"Back into the wild" as it where
~ I am reading about Damanhur at the moment, the spiritual intentional
community in Italy. Everytime I get in contact with that particular energy
my heart starts to sing. I have a distant longing in my blood that sees
me living in a a community of kin, creating from within a deep understanding
that is my essential nature, my connection with source. I also know that
this is not what I a "meant to do" this time round... I am a loner, sailing
far ahead of my Self at times, catching up for a little respite breath
only to throw myself again and again onto the tossing waves
~ ..
~ I pulled a card today ... "Whats my big hurry ? Its all for Joy. All
is well "
to find joy in everything I do , to slow down to actually see that when
I open the door I like the feeling the paint effect has on my hand..
~But slowing down is a swear word to an ADD brain... its like choking
me back while I am sitting in my starting block
~ So it occurs to me, if I have entered this lifetime with this particular
set of pecularities I choose to call "Me" then there must be a reason.
I have choosen to exactly expreience this "Me" here on earth exactly as
"she" is... so I am fast... so lets be fast not try and slow down...
~ Lets just catch
up with my thoughts and try and write some of them down so they dont completly
disappear into the ehter ... and yes I do forget almost as soon as I have
thought stuff unless I focus my attention on it ( another nod to ADD)
~ So there I am, having just let myself a bath with some peppermint oil,
dipping my toe into it and slowly surrendering into the warm wave....
when a thought hits me... I need to write myself out of my head, I need
to get this stuff out of me that keeps viing for my attention, my thoughts,
my visions , my insights that come rushing in whilst I am reading 7 books
at the same time...
~ ~ So they are coming, they are coming faster and faster ... this is
me... so "ME" is going to let iself be seen...
~ I am thinking of starting a blog... blogging seems to be more interactive
then this website format..
So watch out for my
blog " The Impossibility of being ME" ... I wonder whether actually anyone
would read it.....
:-)))
Lila*
The Impossibility of Being Me can now be found here at livejournal
http://milliande.livejournal.com/
I shall continue to add my outpouring to this site though...
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22th
November 2007 My Spiritual Diary Winter
2007
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| Contemplating..
~ Lets say I am aware
of being part of something larger than myself.
Lets call this "something" God, All That Is ,... fill in the blank ..
I shall use Source.
I am aware that I am part of Source, and Source in essence is me.
Without me source is now Source minus me .
That is not possible as Source is all that is.
I cannot be seperate from me.
So I am Source, I am God, I am all that is .
~ Now I am aware that
my reason for being here on earth is to experience this state of being.
I am simply here to be all that I am.
There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to achieve, there is simply
being.
Being that arises from within.
Being in the NOW.
Experiencing the NOW.
No desire to change that what is, THAT is all that is.
So I contemplate this
:
~ What is it that
makes me move?
What makes me get up in the morning?
What makes me move from a to be ?
~Movement contains
as a starting point the desire to change..
Change my position from a to b
~What makes me want
to change if I am simply experiencing the NOW, with no desire to move
away from it.
Where does my impulse to move come from?
I cannot see ...
I am contemplating my non awareness ...
I feel immobile whilst
i am contemplating, curious about my own desires and the inability to
see how I can be, simply be...
What do you see?
What makes you move ?
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| 22th
November 2007 My Spiritual Diary Winter
2007
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| ~
I am currently reading "Going Deeper" by Jean Claude Coven a fascinating
study into the nature of consciousness.
~ I am intriqued by
my own archetypal forces that drive my day to day decisions without "me"
being consciously aware of it. Having read Caroline Myss "Sacred Contracts"
the concept of archetypes has been a part of my life for a while now.
Yet I find it quite astonishing how tricky it is to "nail an archetype"
down, ie identify myself with it when the Controller archetype does its
best to shield me from anything it perceives to be threatening..
~ Lets take the prostitute
archetype... according to Myss everybody has got one..
At first the controlling archetype within me says no way... only to discover
the true meaning of this archetype later... The Prostitute relates to
my price... At what price am I willing to sell my soul.... At what price
am i prepared to budge from my original blueprint...
~ this is a hard question
to face... from birth one has been predisposed to a certain set of rules,
"Should's and Should'nts" the essential nature of oneself being molded
by parents and society into preconcieved ideas of being.
So what I do "to fit in" may already be far of from my original blueprint,
may already be a kind of selling of my soul , me " prostituting myself"
in order to be loved, liked, fit in , be respected etc...
~ When I started this
journey of awareness it came like a rush... like a deluge that would not
take no for an answer... Now 3 years later i am at a point where it has
started to slow down, where now instead of running towards something I
am going deeper and deeper within myself. And it is dark in there.
~ I started to be
less and less comfortable in "selling my soul" , my prostitute archetype
is receiving a regular battering.
I cannot say something I dont mean.
I cannot pretend something that I do not feel.
I can no longer be silent when I dont agree.
I cannot be somehwere that does not feel right.
I cannot do something easily which does not feel joyful.
I cannot even "prostitute" myself for me, my preceived ideas of what I
should be doing to get xyz...
~ It makes being me
very lonely though, kin that have a certain awareness themselves and are
living that awareness to the full are not easily found . Old friends find
the "new me" strangely weird but have been trying their best to "accomodate"
my weirdness for the past 4 years.
~Yet they don't nurture
that side of me that constantly strives to go deeper. That would like
to be stimulated by others to go deeper. That would like to be inspired
by those who are walking "the path" with gusto themselves.. I know they
are out there... I know with every fibre of my being that I am not alone..
Not alone in amongst all these people aroung me.
~Yet solitude is often
my only refuge.. travelling dimensionally and retreating into a sacred
space of conscious communication with that which is larger than myself
provides the nurturing I need to maintain my "sane Self" walking upon
this earth at this time
~ So no , I shall
not sell my soul.. I shall just continue to be... be as I am and journal
that state of being.....
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| 23th
November 2007 My Spiritual Diary Winter
2007
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I
am not done today ...
The Habitual Onion
My Habit programs ( those things that I do habitually without necessarily
being consciously aware of it )
take on the visual shape of an onion. Here NOW I am wearing an apron and
slowly peeling of each layer with tears in my eyes. I dont know how I have
come to grow so many layers and i am certain that there is a juice fruit
underneath these brittle skins somehwere..
I am being asked "Where
do we begin to build our own consciousness?"
I venture to say that
I took my first breath with my "original" blueprint intact and spend the
next 2 years lalling about unable to express my knowing and finally had
all conscious awareness drummed out of me by fitting into the expectations
of my parents...
The first breath is
mine, the rest is a lesser degree of mine until I no longer know what
mine means .
Then I become aware of my onion, only to start wearing goggles whilst
peeling my onion so as not to be too overwhelmed by the outpouring of
my tears... Some people may call this awakening..
until I am brave enough
to take of my googles and to embrace my tears... and go hunting for my
original blueprint in the depths of my Self...
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| 24
th November 2007
My Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
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I am being asked:
>>>Isn't
change the only real constant in the universe?
The opposite of change is death, not NOW <<<
Constant Change
milliande
2007-11-24 02:16 pm (local) (link) Select
The only constant in this universe is change...
>>>The opposite of change is death<<<
I would venture to say that an opposite to change does not exist , death
is merely a change itself
I do not resist change , I do not try to hang onto a moment either ..
I am merely intensly curious as to the impulse that governs my choices
about change...
Which part of me decides what to change into, what to move toward to
....
My ego ?
My Impulse?
My selfperceived "I"
I am aware that change
is a constant.
I am aware that I am sitting at this computer right now answering this
comment...
~I am aware that I
moved from simply sitting at this computer
to looking at my mail
...choosing to read the comment
...choosing to answer the comment
Who or what is making
that choice?
My ego ? ... i like
interesting conversations thats Why i am here
Impulse? ... I reacted to the comment
My selfperceived I ... "I" did all of that
so I changed my Here
and Now into the next moment of Here and Now by choosing to react...
So that is an interesting
fact, I move as a reaction. A reaction to something outside my perceived
"I"
Now what would be
an action rather than a reaction?
And which part of me would act rather than react..
Pondering ...
So I know I dont "have
to " move
So I know I can move
Do I move as an action?
Do I move as a reaction?
I woke up..
I am sitting in bed ...
I can move as a reaction
to my bodily need to pee....
So I go and pee...
Now I am finished
on the toilet....
I dont have to go
anywhere...
I have no bodily needs...I am aware of my surroundings, where I am , what
is there with me
I am aware of how I am feeling....
There is no impulse
to move....
I could sit there
and wait until my bottom hurts and then I have a reason to move ...but
where too...
I realise this is
an abstract line of enquiry but it has been with me for over 6 month now
and i am none the wiser as to the question ?
When I know here and
now is all there is.. what makes me move??
Maybe I am just missing
and angle on my thought pattern...
I just cannot see how i can move unless I have desire to move away from
what is now...
With no desire to
move away...what makes me move???
Ohhhh I am running
around in circles...
Still pondering
...Milliande
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| My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
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***How to keep a Spiritual Journal
Spiritual Diary Styles
I have
tried many ways and tools in keeping a spiritual diary, from morning pages
to elaborate art journals I tend to change my choice of spiritual journal
keeping with my mood.
I will here describe some of
my favorite sacred journal keeping ideas
How to keep a spiritual
journal
return
from My Spiritual Diary Winter 2007 to
My Spiritual Jounral Home
***Journal Keeping Writing for Spiritual Growth
Reasons for keeping a Spiritual Journal
There are many reasons why people may keep a spiritual
diary but journal keeping writing for spiritual growth is a way of recording
ones progress and insights on a chosen spiritual path . For me all of
life is spiritual, there is no time when I suddenly decide "Now I am not
spiritual", life is imbued with it, Life is spirit .
However I find that to have a managable tool that allows me to keep track
of my insights ( in which my ADD brain often looses itself) is like a
friend who helps you crawl around in the darkness
My Journal Keeping Writing for Spiritual Growth
My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
***Spiritual Art Journal Quest
Creative Art Journal of Finding Yourself
The spiritual art journal quest for me lies in my
inability to paint or express that which I see with my inner eye . I would
love to be able to create an art journal as
a creative Art Journal of Finding Yourself amongst
the visions that enter my dreams , my waking visions and my meditative
explorations.
My Spiritual Art Journal Quest
My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
***Spiritual Travel Journal
Sacred Sites Travel
~Sacred Sites Travel has been most inspiring for me,
just to have the priveledge to stand amongst the accumulated energy patterns
of ancient sacred places is just unbelievable.
I have had the amazing opportunity to witness the Pyramids at Giza, the
mighty stones of Stonehenge and Buddhas cave in Nepal and it is fascinating
how similar a lot of the patterns are when experienced by simply being
present within them ~ Nothing to do, nothing to change, nothing to heal
- simply being present within my own center - breathing my breath and
merging it into the cosmic whole...
My Spiritual Travel Journal
My
Spiritual Diary Winter 2007
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Diary Winter 2007
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